Looking Fear In The Eyes

Have you ever looked into an animal or a persons eyes and seen fear? I don't mean just any fear, I mean shear terror? I have and I see it more than I would like.

Twink has an extreme fear of doctors, dentists, etc. She is fine walking into the office but as soon as it is time to head back for her to be weighed and measured it is a total melt down. This is where her fear starts and my lack of muscles come into play. As long as it is a routine check things are pretty good. I call pretty good screaming, crying, and kicking. If the visit is one where she needs to be held for something then it is a different story.

Twink does not like to be restrained. It does not matter if I do it or someone else does. For the record, I prefer to be the one to do as I can be the one who looks into her eyes and talks to her. She has had so many tests where we have had to hold her. Numerous sedations, Castings, Botox, EKG, Echo, X-ray's, Lab Work but the worst two have been the EEG's and her eye exams. Both have to deal with her super sensitive head which has major sensory issues compounded with us holding her down. She goes into this fight or flight response. The only thing is she does not do the OR it's both!

Holding her for these procedures is nothing short of a miracle. The physical strength this child demonstrates during these times is mind boggling. It takes every ounce of energy and all my strength to hold her. Most times that is not enough.

Looking into her eyes during those moments breaks my heart. She looks like a scared trapped animal looking for a way out. Many times I have to look away when she is like that. You see her fear, her terror in her eyes. They are scanning the room searching for a way out. Searching for a reason as to why this treatment is being done. Soaking in every face that is doing this to her. Screaming at the top of her lungs that it hurts and she does not want it. Shaking her head back and forth. Her face soaked with tears and snot streaming down her face. It's all I can do not to cry with her. I know what they are doing is only helping her but times like those it's hard. It's hard to see her react like that.

All is better within a few minutes of each procedure with a little love and some holding. Oh how we dread those appointments though.